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| i think i'm going to retire this blog.
after i dont even know how many years, i will no longer write here. has it been more than 4 years??
i feel that this blog no longer reflects who i am. i started this in high school...continued to blog here throughout college, and even a little post college. but i feel like its time to move on to bigger, better, more mature things.
such as:
http://krissamartinez.blogspot.com/
that's my new blog. i've moved. this one reflects my life after college. although, there were a few entries from last year. anyway, it was nice knowing you xanga. we had a good run. maybe i'll come back. we'll see. but for now, this will be my last entry.
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Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence open up your eyes
Dear Prudence see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
that you are part of everything
Dear Prudence won't you open up your eyes?
Look around round
Look around round round
Look around
-"Dear Prudence" by the Beatles
I really like this song right now. I've been listening to it a lot lately.
It's been a while since I've last updated.
Since I've graduatued from college, I feel like I've lost myself in the
so-called real world. I rarely read books that stir my mind, provoke
thoughts, and cause me to look deeper into what I've known and believed
my whole life. Instead, I come home to the mundane lifestyle I've set
up for myself.
I come home from a boring day at work too tired
to do anything else but relax and do nothing. I find myself staring in
front of a tv or a computer for the remainder of my day. I've lost
myself.
I feel lost without school. Without something to read,
something to write, something to think about, something to practice,
something to learn, something to study, something to change. I feel like I've lost my passion for anything.
So that's where I'm at right now. I guess I'm in this transitioning/adjusting stage. I'm not quite sure what to do next. I mean, I have this job, but it's only temporary. I'm only working this until January. After that, what next? I've been looking into jobs outside the state, but that's too big and scary. I want to move, live somewhere else, try something different, open up my eyes, see the sunny sky, and play.
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| i start my "new" job at 8 am. it's weird to think that i will be a part of the "real world." working a monday thru friday, 8-5 job. every day? wow, that's a lot of working.
i guess i feel like i haven't really had the chance to fully absorb the end of college and the beginning of a whole different lifestyle. no more late night runs to donutman, no more late night reading, no more all-nighters, no more papers, no more studying, no more grammar exercises, no more late night conversations, no more team nap-shower-sleep-study-write-eat-friends with my old roommate....
...the list could go on. and part of me is glad that all of it is over. but part of me is a little bit sad that the community i lived in for four years, won't be as convenient as i would like it to be. but that's where being intentional comes in...where actually trying to maintain friendships is important.
another big part of me doesn't feel ready to tackle the "real world" and all its challenges. part of me still wants to be young, hang out with all kinds of people, have anime and rice nights, have pog tournaments, watch friends with friends, play bocce ball at midnight, sing kareoke to my heart's content, and be free to do what i want.
but i guess it's time for me to grow up, be an adult, own up to responsibilities, and still be who i am.
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Secret heart
What are you made of
What are you so afraid of
Could it be
Three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard
What's wrong
Let em' in on your secret heart
Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
Maybe you're
Just acting tough
Maybe you're just not man enough
What's wrong
Let em' in on your secret heart
This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That You're dying to reveal
Go tell her how, how you feel
Secret heart come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Could it have something to do with
Admitting that you just can't go through it alone?
Let em' in on your secret heart
This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell her how, how you feel
This very secret heart
Go out and share it
This very secret heart
-Feist, "Secret Heart"
this song pretty much describes how i feel about relationships, love, boys...etc. replace man with woman, her with him. and you've got the story of my life.
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| I was checking something on my apu email account and the verse for the day was Philippians 4:13.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
What perfect timing. It's 3:25 in the morning and I just finished paper two of three due Tuesday. I'm starting to study for my final thats in about 13 hours. After studying for this final, I'm going to start writing paper three of three. Everything seems to be overwhelming and hectic. Finals, graduating, moving, and ending what I've come to know and love for the past four years.
As I finish each paper, I just keep thinking of how close I am to being done with college. Once Tuesday is over, I'll be so much closer to being done having five out of six of my classes and finals over with.
Yet, this verse comes at such a time when it's most needed. It's a good reminder that through Christ, I can survive this week. I can get through my three papers and final on Tuesday. I can get through my final Monday night. I could get through my final on Thursday. I can get through Senior Convocation, Liberal Studies Graduation Reception, and graduation. Christ is the one strengthening me. It's through His grace.
I'm starting to get all choked up just thinking what the end of this week will bring. It's hard for me to fully swallow what will happen Sunday morning when I wake up. It's just all so surreal.
I think it's time I started preparing myself for what Saturday entails: the rest of my life, the real world, and the end of my time at APU as an undergrad.
Plans for the future are always changing. At the beginning of the year, I was so unsure of where I was going, what I was doing, and what was to come after graduation. I now have a job lined up for me as soon as I graduate. I'll be working here at APU as a temp. Funny how I can't leave this place just yet. I just won't be a student anymore, I'll be a full-time temp. (haha, that sounds funny). It'll only be for 7 months. So after that, I'm thinking about going back to school to get my credential and masters from here at APU. haha, so I'm hoping to be back here in about 8 months as a student. I was talking to one of my professors about graduate school and he was telling me all about APU's credential program and the financial aid that is offered to students applying here. He pretty much convinced me into coming back to APU to get my credential and masters. Funny thing is, I really didn't want to get my master's degree. I was so hesistant. But the more I think about it, the more I want to get it.
But those are all just future plans. Things that I've been thinking about. Only God knows the future. I just need to trust Him and allow Him to guide me. The path has become a little less foggy since the beginning of the school year. But God is still holding my hand, guiding me.
But for now, I need to think about this week and what this week holds. It's time to say my "goodbyes" and my "see ya laters." I'm just trying to cherish these last few moments.
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